i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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