Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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