i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
