i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
