I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
