if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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