my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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