I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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