he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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