You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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