if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
