One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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