i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
