I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
