# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
