I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
