took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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