At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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