This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
