He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
