I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
