You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
