He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
