saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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