Texts From Last Night

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  (407): View more from Florida

  he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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  (407): he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse http://tfl.nu/je2y
  Replies (160) Good night (11583) Bad night (1322)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

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  (507): i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches. http://tfl.nu/cp2j
  Replies (14) Good night (6417) Bad night (917)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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  (717): dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long http://tfl.nu/r5ag
  Replies (31) Good night (7351) Bad night (986)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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  (917): I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee. http://tfl.nu/dm1b
  Replies (44) Good night (2019) Bad night (7044)
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  (310): View more from California

  You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

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  (310): You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila. http://tfl.nu/3egv
  Replies (3) Good night (3275) Bad night (978)
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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  (575): you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat. http://tfl.nu/lmrm
  Replies (10) Good night (3088) Bad night (1022)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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  (810): We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock. http://tfl.nu/wrss
  Replies (14) Good night (3514) Bad night (831)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

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  (256): The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE http://tfl.nu/2u36
  Replies (11) Good night (1384) Bad night (2768)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
  Replies (25) Good night (6325) Bad night (1455)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame

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  (618): thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame http://tfl.nu/q9yu
  Replies (5) Good night (1970) Bad night (624)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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  (336): The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge http://tfl.nu/ygw7
  Replies (15) Good night (2983) Bad night (722)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right

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  (207): So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right http://tfl.nu/bi9y
  Replies (7) Good night (1476) Bad night (513)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.

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  (602): When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises. http://tfl.nu/mg1c
  Replies (6) Good night (1166) Bad night (471)
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  (818): View more from California

  You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.

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  (818): You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer. http://tfl.nu/8foa
  Replies (1) Good night (681) Bad night (337)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.

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  (716): I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that. http://tfl.nu/47rs
  Replies (3) Good night (461) Bad night (278)

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