who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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