awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
