So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
