Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
