You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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