dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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