glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
