I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
