I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
