an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
But theres a keg here and me gusta
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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