just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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