someone threw a dead crab at me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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