she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
