I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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