I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
