I swear she didn't look like that last week.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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