His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
