I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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