Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
