My friends, they love my intelligence
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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