I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
