i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
