im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
