when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
