Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
