I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
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I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
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Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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