Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
