I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
