coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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