I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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