so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
