It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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