Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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