I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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