i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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