i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
