I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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