so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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