Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
