Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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