Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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