my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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