I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
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my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
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He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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